The Complexities of Friendship and Lust

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

I feel today like I should explain something. Something about relationships that maybe isn't as cut and dry as it ought to be.

His name is Julian.

The first thing you need to know: Julian is not my boyfriend.

He is many things. He is a swimmer with a killer body, a physics major, a snazzy dresser, a wonderful friend, a fantastic lay, and a tease. But he is not my man. My man should be the only one to make me feel gorgeous, sexy, interesting, sexually capable, satisfied. I know that. And when I haven't spoken to him in a while, Julian doesn't enter my thoughts, much less have sexual effect on me.

Then he and I will start talking again. Likely over something innocent such as "I haven't heard from you lately. What's up?", but it inevitably leads to talk that invariably leads to more talk surrounding sex. Then we reminisce, "remember that time in the shower, when I taught you how to..." or "oh God it felt so good when you...". Then we get aroused. Then we like being aroused because it brings us...or rather, me (I won't speak for him) back to the most satisfying sexual interludes of my life. My first orgasm was from him. He made me feel like a sexually charged person, able to bring whomever I wanted to their knees in lust.And every time we start this whole thing up again, he makes me feel like that again, and I want to bring him to his knees, regardless of what sort of relationship I'm in.

I find him intriguing, arousing. When we're talking, he enters my thoughts daily, and in the most inconvenient locations. School, work, at family parties. And all of a sudden I'm transformed from a rational human being into a cat in heat, yearning to rub myself into something, just to suppress my urge to find him, drag him to the ground and fuck him. I plan out how I could cheat so no one will guess what I've done.

And then I remember Adam.

Adam with no self-esteem, who thinks he's useless, who thinks because he's not like everyone else, no one cares about him. Adam whom I love. And I know that I am undeserving of this delicate being who is afraid to let me in, to let me love him.

Julian's body is available and he flaunts it at me. Were I single I could have him any time I wanted, give or take a couple hours for transportation (he's in another city 2 hours away by train). Adam's I have tried to possess, and though I have succeeded once, I want more, I need more to be satisfied. I am a sexual being now. It's an addiction that needs to be fed. He's sweet, has no sense of social graces, and though he's absolutely gorgeous, he doesn't use his sexy prowl until he's not paying attention to it. He is my man, the one I have chosen. But he doesn't make me feel pretty, or sexy. In fact, I feel like I'm begging for it from him. I hate begging.

But is this a relationship flaw, or a "it's too soon, don't push the man" sort of thing? Should I stay in my present sexual state, that is, no sex and hope that it blows over soon so I can make passionate love to the one I love, or should I screw the brains out of the man who means very little to me beyond the point of friendship, but makes me orgasm like no other?

Lust makes everything more complicated.